Who Still Wants to Be a Superhero?

Okay, I already made it clear my affection for Sci-Fi's "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" and I can admit this week's episode wasn't quite as powerful as the show's debut (due in no small part to the limited screentime of Major Victory), but that's like saying Michelangelo's statue of David isn't as good as the Sistine Chapel's ceiling. Episode two was still fucking brilliant television with genuinely emotional victories in the first challenge, a hidden challenge that caught two competitors off guard, and the moment I (kind of) predicted and thus prompted me to let fly an involuntary Ric Flair-like "Whoooo!"

The only criticism I have lies in knowing about a third of the people on the show are professional actors. Feedback and Monkey Woman both made big deals about "disappointing Stan" in the last episode and I want to believe they meant it, but knowing he's had small roles on "Malcolm in the Middle" and "Navy: NCIS" and that she's been on "Passions" and in several stage productions makes it a little more suspicious. Regardless, both provided the highlights of the first challenge where both played the "I'm not going to let him down again" role.

The challenge involved trying to traverse a backyard and reach a the backdoor of a house guarded by two vicious attack dogs. Competitors were put in padded suits and told they could take as long as they needed to touch the backdoor, but if at any time they wanted to give up, they had only to say "Uncle" and the trainers would call the dogs off.

It quickly became apparent the challenge would be won or lost in the first 20 seconds. Ty'veculus bulled his way to the door, practically sweeping the dogs up in his arms and carrying them there. Creature, on the other hand, was knocked flat on her back within five seconds and called "Uncle" ten seconds later when one dog grabbed her ankle and the other grabbed her wrist and they started spinning her in circles. Major Victory's brief shining moment came when he got lucky enough to have the dogs lunge in such a way that each grabbed one of his elbows, allowing him to run to the door as they hung like fringe on Dennis Hopper's jacket in Easy Rider. Iron Enforcer looked to have things under control, but called "Uncle" just a few feet from the door.

On Feedback's turn, the dogs got him down about two-thirds of the way to the door, but he started spouting lines straight from the pen of Chris Clairemont ("You... will... NOT... take... me... DOWN! This will... NOT... be the end!") and dragged the dogs to the door.

This prompted me to point out what a disadvantage the women had since there was no way speed or agility was going to get you to the door. The dogs were going to get you and the only way you'd finish was by dragging two 70-80 pound German Shepherds who were fighting you for every inch. I also mused aloud what would happen if you just waited the dogs out. "If you just laid there for five minutes, do you think they'd get tired and you might have an easier run?"

To both prove my observation incorrect and answer my question came Monkey Woman, who was encouraged by Creature to give up after about eight seconds, but shouted back, "No way!" and opted instead to spend nine minutes and 42 seconds being tossed around the yard with various body parts in the dogs' jaws before finally reaching the door. She's a professional actress, but that's a Dustin Hoffman-level of commitment to a role. Just awesome.

After the challenge, Cell Phone Girl gets the boot for giving up just four second in because she had a headache and the dogs knocking her down made it worse. Everyone else was then treated to new uniforms.

While most got better quality versions of their old costumes, Ty'Veculus's leather armor and Spartan helmet were replaced by gaudy, sparkly, pleather armor with a T that appeared to have been applied with a Bedazzler. His helmet was replaced by something you might find on a teddy bear purchased in the USC bookstore, but with a huge comb of feathers.

The costume sucked, but when Stan asked if Ty'veculus was disappointed, he smiled and said, "Today I am a superhero... by the power of light, I am Ty'Veculus!" He admitted he didn't want to disappoint Stan and would just have to put up with it. While showing off the new duds, Feedback made a joke about the fan of feathers atop the helmet making Ty'Veculus "Stan Lee's biggest fan." Eventually, Ty'Veculus went back to talk to Stan and admitted he was unhappy with his costume, but that he could "live with it." Stan let him put the old costume back on.

As soon as all the costumes were out, Stan called for another elimination. Ty'Veculus, Feedback, and Iron Enforcer, whose makeover waw pretty much limited to adding two ugly silver patches to his pants, were on the block for elimination, Ty'Veculus because he lied when he told Stan how much he liked his new uniform and Feedback for making the joke, because "superheroes aren't supposed to make people feel worse. They're supposed to make them feel better!"

Iron Enforcer was the one to get the axe though after being on the chopping block in all four of the eliminations to that point. As he left, several of the others expressed happiness that he was leaving and he got pissy, saying "Fat Woman? You think that's a superhero?"

As he walked away, Stan popped up on a monitor and started talking to him in a cheesily-acted but "works in a comic book-y way" scene on the street. During the makeovers, Stan said, "It just seems like something is missing. Why don't I think about it." In this scene, he'd figured it out and told Iron Enforcer that while he would be a lousy superhero, he could be a great supervillain. "You could help me test your former competitors. How would you like to help me make their lives extremely difficult?"

"I would love it," Iron Enforcer nods before getting into a van with Stan's makeover mavens and emerging as the Dark Enforcer.

This final scene, which kicked much ass despite it's poor acting, made me wonder how long this was in the works. I'd like to think that whomever was eliminated at this point would be extended the same offer, but it seems more likely Iron Enforcer was another Rotiart, put into the mix just to cause trouble with his story arc already predetermined. Hence, his quitting just a foot from the backdoor, his utter rudeness to his housemates, etc.

Unlike other reality shows, the cliches of this series make it enjoyable. You remember the girl on "Real World" who couldn't hold her liquor and wound up cheating on her boyfriend from back home. You know the one I'm talking about? What's her name? I don't honestly know since I never watch "Real World," but would wager five dollars those of you who do named such a girl without even having to think. Further, I'll wager you didn't all come up with the same name. Things like that make those shows dull, predictible, and repetitive. On the other hand, whil Dr. Will's evil ranting is yawn-inducing on "Big Brother," the same words from Dark Enforcer will just plain work.