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Aurora: Building Sociopaths with No Glue Needed

My daughter's birthday is about two weeks away. Every day that it grows closer, I hear more "I wish I could have it"s during commercial breaks. She wants just about anything she sees and I find myself having to tell her flat out that she can't have certain toys either because I find them annoying, stupid, a bad influence, or all three.

In a world that's spawned something as godawful as Bratz Big Babies, babydolls that wear a lot of makeup and dress like sluts, and the Barbie Karaoke Guitar, which allows me to listen to fifteen seconds of "Oops, I Did it Again" about 9000 times a day while also serving as a perfect club with which she can brain her little brother, I wondered what the hell was wrong with the toy industry these days.

Then I was looking through Justice League of America #91 from 1971 and was reminded the toy industry has always been fucked up.Thank god for Aurora, who finally addressed the burning need for children to act out S&M rape fantasies between Vampirella, Frankenstein's Monster, and a hooker they grab off the street. You may have a hard time finding many of these today. Not because they aren't around, but because they are buried behind all those bodies crammed into the crawlspace.

Custom Heroclix: Authority

Clockwise from the upper left: Apollo, Doctor, Swift, Engineer,
Jack Hawksmoore, Jenny Sparks, Midnighter

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(Walter Cronkite's quote comes from the actual CBS broadcast. The assault was a reference to something that happened to then-UN ambassador Adlai Stevenson while he was in Dallas, which had contributed to heightened security for the president's visit.)

Off Topic: USA Today Goes Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson's influence is being felt in mainstream media. Look at this headline from today's USA Today sports section. That's been the lead story on the 700 Club for twenty years.Y'know what Christianity needs? Big foam fingers.

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Robert suggested I add a frame...

Supergirl: Radio Shack Shill, Part 2

Previously on Superman in Victory By Computer: Starring The TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids and Special Guest Star Supergirl...

• Superman and Supergirl tried to sell some trumped up calculators to school children.
  
• Supergirl flirted with a teacher.
  
• Supergirl invented the concept of the internet.
  
• In a desperate attempt to avoid further contact with obnoxious sixth graders, Supergirl got herself trapped by bad guys.

And now the thrilling conclusion...

Supergirl wakes up alone in a plush room. She can't see through the wall because her x-ray vision is too weak. She comes to the conclusion that the solar panels are emitting red solar radiation into the room, keeping her powerless. Which brings up a point anchormonster Morbo made after reading the first half of this review...Solar panels collect solar energy and convert... they don't emit beams of radia... you know what? Fuck it. These solar panels are also radiation guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless and power an entire mansion full of complex electronic devices... like guns that create a level of solar energy capable of rendering Kryptonians powerless.

Regardless of the logic behind it happening, Supergirl is powerless and is fully aware of that fact. So, what's a girl to do?Please, kids, always remember that if you lose all your superpowers, that will include your superstrength!

There are two doors to exit the room. Outside one, a guard can be heard through the door, reading a magazine...

Hang on, did this just become a text-based adventure?

You awaken in a LUXURIOUS ROOM without any windows. There are two exits, one NORTH and one WEST.
>WEST

That door is locked. You can hear someone outside, reading a magazine.
>KNOCK ON DOOR

Are you sure you want to do that?
>KNOCK ON DOOR

He is probably a guard. Are you sure you want to KNOCK ON DOOR?
>NORTH

That door is locked.
>LOOK DOOR

The door is orange with two large letter P's and two dice decorating it. It is locked, though you believe you could probably pick the lock if you had the right tools.
>INV

You are carrying a TRS-80 POCKET COMPUTER.
>USE COMPUTER

That will not work here.
>LOOK

There is a desk.
>OPEN DESK

In the drawer, there is a paperclip.
>STRAIGHTEN PAPERCLIP, PICK LOCK, OPEN DOOR, NORTH

You are in GAME ROOM.Why even tell them you are Supergirl? Just call the police and say you're being held prisoner, and, regardless of who you are, they should at send a cruiser by to check out the situation. What kind of police officers does Metropolis have who would reply to a woman's calling in a report of being kidnapped with a chuckle and a disconnect?

Rather than take the chance of being thought a practical joker, Supergirl turns to the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids. She figures out she's being held at the Purple Palace, a place that's recently shown up in some headlines, though she can't remember why despite having read every Daily Planet article ever written just a few hours earlier. She also can't remember how she got there or where the place is, even in general terms.

However, she has no trouble remembering the number printed on the phone that the TRS-80 Wonder Kids used the day before. Yes, it's up to the Alec and Shanna to use the not-yet-referred-to-as-internet to get Supergirl rescued.

And you thought it was pathetic when she couldn't beat up a stupid monster without Brainiac 5.

Fortunately, using the Videotek is as easy as one...Two...
Thr--well, actually, there were about four steps there--five if you count listening for a high pitched signal as a seperate step. At this point, writer Cary Bates has completely given up on this story and is just copying his dialogue directly from the Videotek instructional manual. You can tell because if he were still trying to squeeze a good story from this nonsense, the kids would at least be saying something like, "Oh, wow! Far out! Super!" He also starts dropping deus ex machinas like he bought them really cheap because their expiration date is tomorrow.

The kids find some articles about the Purple Palace, including its street address, and call her back.What kind of idiot did the bad guys post outside that door who doesn't get the least bit suspicious when the prisoner starts receiving phone calls in a locked office?

Deus ex machina #1: Superman arrives as soon as the kids hang up the phone.He takes off to save Supergirl, but finds...

Deus ex machina #2: she's found a secret escape tunnel.But considering there are no criminals around, except the phantom magazine reading guard, what can Superman and Supergirl do but wait five seconds for...

Deus ex machina #3: Lex Luthor's gang shows up at that exact moment.... and forunately...

Deus ex machina #4: Supergirl red solar radiation wears off at that exact moment.It should be noted, these last four panels are all from the final two pages of the book, adding to their deus ex machina-ness.

We learn the red solar panels were all part of Luthor's scheme to get out of prison by exchanging Supergirl for his freedom. Not to nitpick, but Luthor promised he would escape the day before, which he failed to do. Second, if he planned to use Supergirl as some kind of negotiating chip, shouldn't he have mentioned to someone that his goons had her in custody? He put a lot of time and effort into this plan just to forget the part where he actually demands a ransom of some sort.

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Supergirl: Radio Shack Shill, Part 1

I fully believed I'd learned everything in the world there was to learn about computers from Superman in The Computers that Saved Metropolis: Starring the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids.

Then again, I'm an American so I tend to assume things like "if I go to a foreign country, kidnap your brother, and apply jumper cables attached to a truck battery to his genitals, you'll welcome me as a liberator." I also am the result of an education system that Peruvian tree people snicker at behind its back. "Hee hee hee," they chuckle while the American education system searches in vain for the corner of the round room into which the Peruvian tree people placed it with instructions to pee in the corner, "we've never even seen an internal combustion vehicle and even we understand creationism cannot hold up to even the least rigorous of academic standards."

My point is, you should be surprised when I tell you I was wrong. Wrong! There was much more to know about computers than Superman ever let on back when he and two plucky fifth graders used BASIC to convert Celcius temperatures to Farenheit and to prevent a nuclear powerplant from melting down. So much, in fact, Superman couldn't explain it all himself, forcing him to turn to his cousin, Supergirl.

Because there's no better way to convey the importance of information than by pawning its dispersion off on your cousin who is a lame knock-off of yourself in a skirt.

As with its predecessor (I'm just going to keep linking it until you actually go back and read the entire thing...), the story of Superman in Victory By Computer: Starring The TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids and Special Guest Star Supergirl is set into motion when Superman visits Ms. Wilson's class at "a certain Metropolis elementary school" to give kids the hard sell on Radio Shack items.For those keeping track, Superman will not use his superspeed to clown around, but he will use it to rid Jimmy Olsen's apartment of cockroaches, to build a Viking warship, to compete with children to see who can solve simple math problems fastest, and to cheat at gambling. Given your track record, Supes, I don't really think you can take much offense to Alec's assumption you might be doing something superstupid with your powers.

This time around, however, Superman and Supergirl are straight up shills. This TRS-80 Pocket Computer plays no further role in the story. This was simply product placement done more blantantly than Will Smith or the I, Robot producers ever imagined possible.

Superman assures the students the Pocket Computer can do far more than a calculator and offers to demonstrate, but is called away because Lex Luthor has vowed not only to get out of jail that day, but that Superman himself will be the one to open the door. Superman logically concludes he should fly to the prison and stand beside said door as an act of defiance to Luthor... or something. Honestly, I think he just knew he couldn't take another afternoon of "Smart" Alec and made an excuse to shuffle off and leave Supergirl on the hook.You know why they call it a secret identity? Because you're not supposed to drop little hints about it to everyone you've known for three minutes.

Judging by the way she's looking at Ms. Wilson, though, Supergirl doesn't appear to have secret identity protection as her number one priority. To illustrate my point, look at the same panel with captions from an actual porno comic photoshopped in.

Instead of pitting her superbrain against the Pocket Computer at a game of Global Thermonuclear War "who can figure out the volume of a cylinder the fastest," Supergirl quickly gives up on the lecture idea and makes the kids be the teachers, telling her everything they know about the TRS-80's Information Retrieval Service. Of course, the only thing deadlier to a Kryptonian than kryptonite is admitting they might not know something.Alec and Shanna go through the eight steps of plugging in the modem, calling the service, listening to the highpitched tone, placing the receiver on the modem, and the entire logging-in process. Supergirl is hip to something even bigger than the Information Retrieval System and explains the TRS-80 Videotex concept by comparing it to having superpowers."Imagine non-stop electronic mail reminders offering you opportunities to make your penis grow larger, to purchase prescription drugs, and to meet hot cheating MILFs in your hometown! Visualize an auction house large enough to accomodate the entire world, where all the citizens of the planet could gather and bid on Welcome Back, Kotter lunchboxes and Chuck Norris comic book cover art. Exiled Nigerian royalty will contact you with multimillion dollar business proposals! And the pornography! More than you'll ever be able to look at in ten lifetimes!"

Al Gore didn't invent the internet! Supergirl did!

She drives home the superpowers comparison by challenging the kids to see who can find information about Lex Luthor the fastest.Since the first challenge ended in a tie, the kids do a Google search for "Sonic the Hedgehog hentai" while Supergirl draws a picture of Tails orally pleasuring Rotor on the chalkboard. They are interupted when the teacher announces it is time for them to board the bus for their big surprise field trip to the science museum where they'll talk about computers for the rest of the day.

Even Supergirl is fed up with these kids by now and promises to meet them at the museum as soon as she's done doing a patrol of Metropolis and all outlying areas. After about half an hour, the tour guide starts without her. Considering Supergirl can read every article the Daily Planet has printed in a century or more of publishing, I think the guide made the right call in assuming they'd been stood up.

In actuality, Supergirl was falling into a trap that would play a part in Lex Luthor's plan to get out of jail free.
Note the yellow solar panels on the house? They switch to red and Supergirl is rendered powerless.While the kids go on a tour of the museum and recap everything we learned about computers in SiTCtSM: StTRS-80CWK, highlighted by the moment when the entire class gives a hearty round of applause to a photograph of the men who won the Nobel Prize for inventing the transistor. As much as Superman would like to stomp his feet and light a match for Hans Karl August Simon von Euler-Chelpin, he has to go save his cousin.

Part Two

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(I promise actual content later this afternoon.)

Custom Heroclix: Astro City

Since Scipio is encouraging everyone to go vote for Astro City Heroclix at the Wizkids site, I thought I'd give a glimpse of what might be to come.

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Custom Heroclix: Random Characters

These are Heroclix I made that don't go on a team or fall into any particular category. Two of them have since been made as actual figures in more recent sets (Punisher and Green Arrow).
This Punisher is based on Ennis's Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe, thus he is much more powerful than you might expect.Sure, they made a new Green Arrow figure, but it doesn't have a boxing glove arrow, does it? Mine wins.
"Spoon!"I always just liked the look of Grifter.

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Youngblood Goes Hentai

Earlier this month, Harvey Jerkwater discussed how She-Hulk's cheesecake covers cause him public embarrassment. The obvious solution? The next time you buy a copy of She-Hulk where Greg Horn has chosen to portray her rubbing a banana in her cleavage on the cover despite the fact it has nothing to do with the content of the actual story, dig through the quarterbox and find a copy of Team Youngblood #14.

Slap down this cover promising Riptide nudity within and no one's going to look at your She-Hulk. Hell, the guy checking out in front of you with a couple copies of Cherry Poptart and some tentacle porn DVDs is likely to look at you funny, but not because of the She-Hulk.

This issue dealt with the introspective journey of Riptide as she debated the pros and cons of posing nude in Pussycat magazine and the effect it would have on her career. Along the way, she hears the opinions of her teammates, which range from muted support to perverted curiosity to confusion to outright disapproval.

It should be noted in writing that two sentence synopsis, I gave the book more depth than plotter Eric Stephenson or scripter Eldon Asp did in 21 pages. Now, onto that disapproval.Sentinel brings up a good point. Riptide is a role model to little girls everywhere. Magazines like Playboy, Maxim, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue get a bad reputation for giving women a skewed sense of reality when it comes to body image. In fact, though, it should be noted that women's magazines like Glamour and Cosmo are as--if not more--accountable.

Women who see the startlingly beautiful images strive for a similar level of perfection, a level unattainable without professional airbrush touchups. Add to these already dangerous waters the potential of girls aged 10-14 seeing someone they look up to like Riptide putting her superpowered, athletic, toned physique on display and you have a recipe for body dysmorphic disorder of pandemic proportions.

Especially if the girls strive to make their bodies look like this:Apparently, Riptide is 6'9" and 5'10" of it is legs. Also, a little known fact about her powers is that they cause her reflection in mirrors to be slightly different that in reality.

Have Chap Yaep or John Stinsman ever even seen a naked woman? If you take art classes, they bring in naked women for you to draw so you know their hips aren't in their armpits, right? Yaep did layouts and Stinsman did pencils, so who shoulders the majority of the blame here?

It doesn't really matter, because there is plenty of blame to go around. Whoever is to blame can't plead ignorance of the anatomy of a female torso as I first suspected, because apparently, he can't draw female heads either.Okay, boobs, hips, belly, and even shoulders (She has one boob and a shoulder that juts forward from her throat at a 90 degree angle!) I can understand, because more often than not, women cover them up when they go out in public. But heads? Did these two grow up in Kabul where all the women wore burqas, leaving them to make a best guess at what a woman's head looks like?

"Hmm, do you think a woman's skull is bigger than her shoulder or smaller? Probably about the same. Are their eyes in the front or do they kind of wrap around the side because they're so wide? Do they have hair like me or is it... oh, wait, if that was drawn in 1994, that hair's actually not that bad...

Oddly enough, when Riptide actually poses nude, just like in Playboy or Cosmo, she gets touched up. In this case, the artists obviously threw a centerfold on a light table and traced her as the art suddenly stops sucking for the majority of one brief splash page (though Stinsman tries to hide his porn swiping by cleverly fucking up her eyes as only he can).Hmm, throwing a centerfold on a light table and tracing it? Sounds like we're back to discussing Greg Horn's She-Hulk covers.

Supergirl: Paragon of Feminism

Everything I ever needed to know about gender equality I learned from 1962's Action Comics #285.

If there's one thing we can all easily agree upon, it's that girls ain't no good for nothing. Not having a penis pretty much condemns a person to a life of being completely worthless. On the rare occassion that a girl actually accomplishes anything of any significance (Marie Curie, Elizabeth I, Linda Lovelace, that chick who became the first female pope whose name I can't remember, and... well, I think those four are pretty much it), it's only because a man was too busy doing more important things. Incidentally, if a man had done it, it would have been done better.

Writer Jerry Siegel breaths life into the thrilling concept of Superman announcing Supergirl's existence to the world. Wow. What kid didn't always look forward the announcement-themed issues of their favorite funnybooks? On the bright side, Siegel was able to finally get that feather for his figurative cap. Some may have expected the scribe to fade away into obscurity but now he will always be remembered as the creator of Superman...'s introduction of Supergirl.

Prior to the big announcement, Linda Danvers had to keep her secret to herself, which caused a moral dilemma that weighed heavily upon her supershoulders. In fact, when her parents drive their car off a bridge, she actually has to take a moment to debate whether to save them.Why's the girl with the power to decimate a city block just by sighing too hard such a whiner? Is there more to this announcement than we're being given? Perhaps in Kryptonian, "I'll never introduce you to the public," translates to "I'm going to sodomize you to death with a Kryptonite broom handle!"

Linda's hemming and hawing is interupted by Superman swooping down from the sky, advising Linda to tell her parents the truth. To Linda's surprise, Superman isn't mad. Apparently Superman must express a lot more blind rage toward those who save the lives of others when he's "off camera," because that wouldn't be my first assumption as to the "what kind of mood will Superman be in when he finds out I saved my parents from certain death?" quiz.

Instead, Superman gives Linda permission to reveal her secret identity to her parents. First off, I think it's exceedingly arrogant of Superman to think it's his place to decide when and to whom Supergirl reveals her secret identity. Second, it's a little unsettling to think she's kept this huge secret from her parents this whole time.

However, there are two things to recognize about this situation. First, Supergirl is a girl and needs to have a man tell her what to do and how to live her life. If she could be trusted to make decisions for herself on any level, she'd have been born with testicles. As for the second point, before you feel bad for the Danverses having the wool pulled over their eyes for so long, realize these people aren't exactly winning any plaques for parental involvement, or they probably would know their brunette daughter is actually a blonde in a wig.With Linda's parents now aware of their daughter's part time job saving the world, the time has come for Superman to officially let the world know about Supergirl.Even the President of the United States books time with the networks before addressing the nation. He doesn't just hit a button in the Oval Office and interupt every TV broadcast. But then, Superman isn't President of the United States, is he?

The fact Superman has his own television studio and control over every television in the world makes me curious how often he does this.

"Hooo-doggies, Mr. Drysdale. I'm just about fixin' ta jump in this ceement pond--"
"Hello, citizens of Earth. This is Superman with another important announcement."
"Dammit! Mom! Superman's on the TV again!"
"I just wanted to let you know there's this girl here... and, uh... well, she exists, y'know. Talk to you later."
"Mr. Clampett, your deposits are perfectly secure at my bank. There's no reason to--"
"Hello, citizens of Earth. Superman again. It has come to my attention I will be having fish and chips for dinner tonight. Again, that's fish and chips."

The world gets the news and who you are determines how you react.If you are a woman, you are either an airhead who doesn't care about anything but cute hairstyles or you're a totally jealous bitch. Obviously, these women should have been watching television with a man who could help them form their opinions.

As you can see, men are much more rational. The strongman is rightly concerned that this announcement may have an adverse effect on his career, causing people to think less of circus performers. Nikita Khrushchev is cautious about accepting the information at face value, as a wise male leader should be.

The biggest impact, however, is felt among the male-dominated criminal community.So Supergirl's greatest contribution to the war on crime isn't actually catching criminals; it's scaring them out of committing crimes in the first place to avoid the potential embarrassment of being nabbed by a girl.

With the word out, the entire universe catches Supergirl Fever, which is to say they are all very excited about the revelation of her existence, not that they caught some Kryptonian flu from her. I only clarify that statement because I'm willing to bet my right pinky toe that there was a Silver Age story where the lives of millions of people were jeopardized by some illness Supergirl contracted.

Planets throughout the galaxy celebrate the fact Supergirl... just... is, each in their own stupid ways.Other planets build statues, which Supergirl assumes might lead future generations to think of her as a goddess. On Earth, she meets President Kennedy and is invited to the United Nations where she gets a standing ovation from every delegate. Because undoubtedly the Saudi Arabian ambassadors are really hyped about a girl who wears a short skirt and doesn't cover her face in public being a role model.

Of course, while Superman insists he's happy for Supergirl and all the attention she's getting, he also takes any chance he can to shift the focus back to himself.Fine, Superman, the UN gave you the certificate first. You're soooo much better than Supergirl. It should be noted, however, that she probably could have gotten her own certificate sooner if you hadn't forced her to remain in hiding for three years until her parents' driving off a bridge forced her to come out of the supercloset.

Supes does have a legitimate reason to be a little jealous of all the Supergirl love, though. Afterall, he's saved the world more times than you can count on all your fingers and toes while all Supergirl's done is show up on TV with a cute haircut. When Superman leaves her in charge while he flies off to the 50th century for an important mission, Supergirl herself confesses she "can hardly wait to prove [her]self worthy of all the honors [she'd] received!"

It doesn't take long for her to get her chance to perform on the big stage when an infinite monster starts trampling the countryside.See if you can spot the theme of this battle.If you guessed "Supergirl repeatedly tries to fly into the monster's ankle or get stomped beneath the monster's foot in attempts to knock him down while men deride and doubt her," you're right.

As everyone knows, if you knock a giant monster down once, he can't get back up, so it seems to be the perfect plan. Also, never hit giant monsters above the shin. Alas, it's not working and in case we don't understand why, we have a bevy of male characters explaining that chicks suck at everything.Fortunately, Supergirl finally comes to her senses and realizes she's just a stupid girl and the only way she'll ever stop this beast is to turn to a man for help. She builds a time capsule and puts a note inside for the Legion of Super-Heroes to read 500 years later. Brainiac 5 gets the note and sends a shrink ray back in time to the moment Supergirl finished writing the note.Supergirl gets all the credit for the big win and goes to a party at the White House where all she can think about is how pretty Jackie Kennedy is.

Supergirl, idol to millions of little girls everywhere, taught them a very important lesson: know your place. The final panel promises another Supergirl adventure in issue 286, I can only assume it was titled something like "Barefoot and Pregnant in the Kitchen... of Doom!" or "A Virgin in the Parlor, A Whore in the Bedroom" or "Kinder, Küche, Kirche" or "Homemaker Isn't a Real Job Because if It Was You'd Be Getting a Paycheck, Wouldn't You? Now Make Me a Sandwich."

Kiss That Baby Goodbye!

In my life I have purchased more copies of Punisher War Journal #19 than of any other individual issue of any comic... except maybe X-Men #1. Now that I reflect on it, I think I bought at least three copies of each cover for X-Men #1, plus more of the B, D, and E covers. I had a strategy, but I'll go into that when I do my X-Men #1 write up in the future.

The difference is PWJ #19 was never purchased for investment value. Also, those X-Men issues were all purchased at the time they came out, while I only bought one copy of PWJ #19 at the time of its publishing. Every time I come across one, I have to resist the temptation to purchase it and most of the time I fail in that resistance.

It's all about that cover. When this comic came out, I was fifteen years old and a huge Punisher fan (as I've discussed in the past). I was a Marvel zombie to no end and even I knew this cover was ridiculous. The image is pretty cool (though Chris Sims predicts if the Punisher fired that anti-aircraft gun while riding a jet ski, he'd be spun 180 degrees. I say, "If he's lucky!" Firing that thing one handed would toss him off that thing and, at worst, drag him to a watery grave.) and marked the end of Jim Lee's tenure on the book before moving over to Uncanny X-Men and becoming JIM LEE!!!

That blurb, however, changes everything.

Punisher's awesomeness and intimidation are completely undermined by some editor's belief that you might see a dude with a skull on his chest and a six-foot-long machine gun and assume he's out riding a jet ski for purely recreational purposes, thus presenting acomic lacking all conflict within the pages to drive the story, convincing you to pick up Justice League Europe #15 instead. Fortunately, this forward thinking soul was there to devise possibly the worst cover blurb since the Silver Age:

You've just rented a jet ski to the Punisher.

Kiss that baby GOODBYE!

That'll keep you from sneaking over to see what new releases DC put out this week!

This cover became a scab Jim deVos, my non-comic-reading-friend-at-the-time could pick whenever I started going off about the comics in general or the Punisher in particular. There were many variations of snide comments he could make, the only common trait being they were all delivered in deep "movie preview voice over" baritone and all ended with "Kiss that baby... GOODBYE!!!"

In retaliation, I started buying up copies extra copies and hiding them in Jim's car, bedroom, bathroom, etc. Marvel actually released this cover printed on a t-shirt and I bought Jim the tanktop version. For my birthday that year, I got the very same shirt. Not a matching shirt. The same one which he'd never worn. Soon, that shirt became a 100% cotton hot potato Jim and I would slough off on one another when the other wasn't looking.

The sad thing is, I've spoken to Jim just once since he got married five years ago. Yet that doesn't stop me from grabbing a copy every time I come across one in a quarterbox. In my heart, I guess I still am holding out hope that some night I'll dump about three long boxes worth of Punisher War Journal #19 on his front lawn while he's sleeping.

But we all know judgment of a book cannot be done by its cover alone. In PWJ #'s 17-19, Microchip and Frank follow in the paths of such luminary entertainement vehicles as The Jeffersons, The Brady Bunch, Sanford and Son, Family Matters, and Saved By the Bell by going to Hawaii. A friend of Microchip's takes his family on a hike off the beaten path in the island paradise and wanders onto a drug farmer's boobytrapped field. The daughter gets away from the drug gang to call Micro, who hops the next flight to Hawaii. Punisher hears the message on the answering machine and is on the following flight. When he get there, he starts killing a bunch of guys in the drug gang.

In those last four sentences, I summarized 90% of issues #17 and 18.

The daughter is on a small rocky island where both the drug dealers and the Punisher are trying to get her. Hence, the Punisher's rental of the jet ski, which he uses to joust with some bad guys in a speedboat.Based upon writing like that, my theory is Carl Potts was kept on staff at Marvel to make all the other writers feel better about themselves. It may be hard to believe, but after Jim Lee left this title, sales dropped.

An interesting (if you really stretch the definition of "interesting") point about that gun the Punisher is firing: a few issues earlier, there was actually a mention in the letters column about a gun that could fire bullets even after being submerged in water and a request that any readers with access to photos of said gun share them so Jim Lee could draw it in an upcoming storyline.

But enough about the bad guys. Punisher kills them all and saves the girl, so let's get to the really important issue at hand. What happens to the jet ski?What? I call shenanigans! I was promised I could kiss that baby GOODBYE! Then again, I suppose no one would buy a book with the cover blurb, "You've just rented a jet ski to the Punisher... it will be returned in a TIMELY FASHION!"

Custom Heroclix: Green Lantern Corps

Since it's St. Patty's Day, I decided I needed some kind of a green themed post so here we go...

When the first DC set of Heroclix came out, there was only one Green Lantern: Jon Stewart. Wanting to have more than just the host of "The Daily Show," we undertook this project.Starting clockwise at Hal Jordan, you have Hal, Tomar Re, Kilowog, Salaak, Jon Stewart, Katma Tui, G'Nort, and Guy Gardner.

And here's a close up of the three greatest Lanterns ever. It sucks that I couldn't get Guy to focus.Our only regret is that we couldn't make one small enough to be Ch'P.

Second Worst Punisher Idea

Ask anyone what is the stupidest thing Marvel has ever done with the Punisher and even those who've never read any of the titles will be able to tell you: "Bring him back from the dead by turning him into an avenging angel with heavenly weaponry at his disposal."

However, do you know what the second stupidest Punisher idea was?This was part of a subplot that ran through both Punisher and Punisher War Journal and got its own prestige format mini-series: Shadowmasters. This guy is the Punisher's downstairs neighbor, a ninja master who runs a grocery store. He trained his children and his white friend's kid to be ninjas too, which was the plot of that mini-series. You can save your time and money and not read it. You're welcome.

Despite stretching out through all those titles, I don't remember any resolution. Obviously, Punisher never became the Western world's greatest ninja, but I don't remember any explanation why not.

Review: V for Vendetta

I just got back from a sneak preview of V for Vendetta. There will be spoilers ahead, but I'll post a warning ahead of time, and it should be noted I never read the comic and have purposely avoided reading it for the last month of so to prevent myself from comparing the two forms of media. I'm grabbing the trade tomorrow and will probably post a comparison/contrast essay later this week or next (since I'm sure I'll have an exclusive on that as no other comic blogger will think of such a thing). The point is, if I say something was surprising or unexpected or if I spend time describing basic plot stuff, the reason is because I didn't know the story ahead of time.

As it ended, the guy behind us echoed a thought I had during the movie, though for different reasons. "Well, there sure was a lot of talking," he groaned.

Somewhere in the middle of the film, the same thing occurred to me. In the opening, there is the "hero saves the girl in an alley scene" that seems to be required by law for just about any film based on a comic. Then there is a big explosion. Shortly thereafter, V raids a government TV station to get his message to the people. In the end, there is a pretty cool knife vs. gun fight and another big explosion.

In between, there is talk. And not talk about midichlorians nor radioactive spiders nor computers that... well... whatever the hell those last two Matrix movies were about... It's talk about politics and terrorism and the importance of ideas versus the importance of people and the power of fear.

In short, if you want to see X-Men 3 or Superman Returns, you'll have to wait a few months, because that's not what you'll get in V for Vendetta.

Okay, SPOILERS AHOY. Stop reading now if you don't want them.

Seriously, if you keep going, you have only your self to blame.

Last chance to turn back.

Still here? Okay, it's your funeral.

This movie was made even more interesting because on my drive to the theater, NPR was doing a story about the commander of Guantanamo Bay leaving his post. In it, he makes points about the importance of interrogation and justifies some of the practices that have stirred up controversy. He never actually defends the concept of torture, but he does indicate the prison abuse situation at Abu Ghrab made his job harder because of the spotlight it shone on Gitmo, especially because it forced them to allow prisoners to meet with attorneys, who advised them in many cases not to talk to the Americans.

The line that stands out, and that NPR used to promote the story before the previous commercial break was, "These are educated men who look you in the eyeball and say, 'When I get out of here, I'm going to kill you.'" In context, it was General Hood's justification for why the prisoners at Gitmo can't be released even if there isn't a strong case against them. Out of context, it could be seen as the prisoners' reaction to the treatment they've been given while detained there.

This all ties into the movie because what we learn is V was a political prisoner thrown into a secretive jail where he was tortured and, when he got out, he planned to kill those who put him and those who kept him there.

The setting is a futuristic London, where a right-wing Christian government has been in complete control since a large terrorist attack twenty or so years ago. Using the threat of terrorism, it whittled away rights and freedoms and locked up those who opposed the right-wing Christian tenets (gays, Muslims, secularists). This government controls the media, putting its own spin on events, particularly V's workings.

The comparisons to the current American government are so obvious, I found myself surprised the story was twenty years old. Likewise, I was thankful it was pre-Bush administration as we were spared the inevitable caricatures of the dimwitted puppet leader, the truly-evil second-in-command running everything from behind the scenes, the blood-thirsty military leader, and sycophantic token-black/token-female toady that would have appeared in something written today.

The majority of the movie is discussion of how the people are to blame for letting the threat of terrorism justify their loss of freedoms. One concept that is brought up in the opening monologue is that ideas are more important than men. For example, Thomas Jefferson died, but the ideas he wrote of in the Declaration of Independence live on today.

Early on, we see V's horribly scarred hands, indicating he'd been in a terrible fire. From that point on, there is a constant waiting game for when we will see his face (they didn't hire Hugo Weaving just to wear a mask the entire movie, right?). However, the mask stays firmly in place the entire movie (or at least the face remains hidden). At the end, Natalie Portman has two opportunities to remove it, but doesn't because V is not about the man behind the mask, he is the ideas behind the mask.

Two controversial points are made in this movie. First, V is called a terrorist. There have been rumblings on the internet about why his terrorism is justified, especially in a world where terrorism is the lead story on the news every night and the justification for everything the current administration in Washington does.

Terrorism is in the eye of the beholder. V is a revolutionary, and just as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin would today be labelled terrorists by the British government, so too does this title fall on his shoulders. The difference is the purpose of terrorism is to instill fear and prevent us from going about our normal daily lives. V's actions are meant to cure people of their fear and make them realize what they've surrendered without a fight. V does not terrorize the populace, he scares the government, which is what they've been doing for twenty years.

The second contoversy is the positive points of torture. V makes the classic point of "you reap what you sew/chickens come home to roost/for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." The government did monstrous things to him, thus he is a monster to them. However, his monstrosity is making the world a better place.

The more explicit case of this is the torture of Natalie Portman's character, Evey. When the special police raid her friend's home, she is nabbed as she tries to escape. For an untold amount of time, she is tortured and asked for the location of V's hideout, but never gives in. The upshot is the torture--or at least her survival of it--makes her his greatest ally.

In all, I'm glad I didn't read the trade paperback ahead of time as some of the twists and surprises wouldn't have had half the impact if I'd known they were coming. That said, I'm very curious to read the trade, mostly for to compare details and look for imagery from the movie. There are several scenes that looked "comic book-y" and I want to know how many were taken from the book and how many were just shot that way to give that feeling.

My Two Hundredths of a Dollar: Goku vs. Superman

After reviewing several of the evidence linked at Progressive Ruin, I've made a ruling in the Goku vs. Superman contraversy that threatens to tear the internet right off its cyber-foundations.

Be it known, I know next to nothing about Dragon Ball Z. My exposure to it has been limited to three incidents.

In the first occurred in junior high when my best friend at the time's dad went to Malaysia for work. He bought several Super Nintendo games that hadn't been released yet in the America, one of which was Dragon Ball Z (though we thought it was called Dragon Ballz which made for much pubescent giggling). The instructions were in Japanese (we think) both in the booklet and on the screen. It was a Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat-type fighting game. We played for about five minutes, most of which consisted of us mashing buttons randomly to try to get our two guys to fight, but couldn't even get them to walk toward one another. Among the combos--which we stumbled upon so randomly we never knew what we'd done to invoke them--were the ability to throw a fire ball, the ability to fly into the air so high you actually were off screen and never came back down, and the ability to shoot a laser beam as wide as your body was tall that killed your opponent instantly. After that, we gave up and never played it again.

The second incident happened a year or two later when the Dragon Ball Z cartoon debuted in America, or as I described it to Jim, "That crazy Japanese game with the aliens who flew and shot the lasers... well, there's a cartoon--oh, and it's actually Dragon Ball Z." I watched long enough to hear about fifteen seconds of the theme song ("Dragon balls, dragon balls, everybody's looking for the dragon balls!").

The final incident took place when I sat next to my friend Ryan's eight year old cousin and he told me something about Sam I Am or something and I nodded politely.

I present this to show my lack of understanding about Goku's strengths or background, though it appears the generally accepted conclusion is he and Superman are equal or at least close in power.

If this is true, the decision hinges entirely on the fact Goku is a highly trained martial artist. Given this fact, Goku would defeat the Man of Steel. To support this conclusion, I offer the following evidence:

There is debate over whether Batman could defeat Superman in a fight.
This argument is based on the understanding Batman is a better fighter, better strategist, better tactician, etc. and, given the time to plan, could go toe to toe with Supes.

Hence, if Batman were tomorrow granted the powers of a Kryptonian, the debate would be dead because Kryptonian Batman would crush Superman into a red and blue paste. Batman is a highly trained fighter--like Goku--while Superman is a brawler who relies on his strength to overpower opponents.

Let the word go out far and wide, Goku wins!

Parents, Get Your Kid Away from the Computer

I have to get my mind out of the gutter.

From The A-Team #2... in case you wondered how he got the name "Faceman":
What's ironic is that in the show, the A-Team guys never hit anyone they're aiming at. I would have expected him to shoot all around her feet and scare her into running away.

At least he's gentleman enough to help clean up after himself.I wonder how many Google hits I'll get for "A-Team bukkake."

I can only hope issue three featured a nice donkey punch.Since I missed it on Wednesday, just consider this--and that whole part of the Radio Shack post about Alec wanting to use the computer because the stupid girl became as smart as Superman so a boy could be even smarter--my belated "Blog Against Sexism" post.

Superman: Radio Shack Shill

Up top, let me just say this was much harder to write than I thought it would be. As with any computer-based story from the 1980's, this comic is ripe with images that are comical today for the simple fact they weren't comical then. For example, a cassette deck connected to a computer or that BASIC program every kid in elementary school at that time learned, allowing his computer to fill the screen by repeatedly printing: "I AM YOUR COMPUTER!"

I've tried my best to get away from just making jokes of "Ha ha, computers were slower back then! The 80's were crap!" I'm sure I would have similar problems were I to come across a comic in which Superman has to solve a Rubik's Cube to save Pat Benatar from an army of Wacky Wallwalkers wearing parachute pants.

With that said, I return you to regular programming.

Ah, computers. What the hell ever happened to those crazy machines? There was quite a trend toward those things in the 1980's but I haven't heard much of them ever since. I guess after that Terminator movie with the bodybuilder guy from Austria, people got a little nervous and they went the way of parachute pants and Rubik's Cubes.

Fortunately, for those of us who want to tell our kids about those bygone days, we can always turn to Superman in The Computers that Saved Metropolis: Starring the TRS-80 Computer Whiz Kids for evidence that once upon a time it was actually predicted computers might play a daily role in all our lives--

Crazy...

--and the best part is thanks to the good people at Radio Shack, it didn't cost a dime to do so.

SiTCtSM:StTRS-80WK tells the exciting story of the day Superman went to give a guest lecture in an elementary school. Of course, being Superman, he can't just walk in the front door.You may be curious what's in those black cases, but as Superman assures the kids in the classroom, it would be hard for you to believe without five or six pages of blather taken directly from a Radio Shack marketing statement "some background information first.""Grrr! Anything but information about computers! Why are you wasting our time, Superman! We all know computers are never going to have any effect on our lives! They are only for the super rich and astronauts! This is another of those comics where every statement is followed by an exclamation point!

That kid is Alec, the skeptic who thinks learning about computers might be boring. Boy oh boy, is he ever proven wrong when Superman starts telling the kids about 1945, because if there's one way to keep an smartass ten-year-old occupied it's by telling him stories about before TV was invented. Perhaps there's a nice yarn about a zeppelin you could spin, Superman. Even writer Cary Bates knows this is boring because he ends nearly half the sentences in periods instead of exclamation points.

The history lesson was all to set up the idea that computers are behemoths that weigh thirty tons, are housed in 50' x 30' rooms, and require a punchcard system to input data. Once the kids are suitably convinced they will never see a computer in their lifetime, they get a lesson in the word of possibilities presented by microprocessors.User manuals?!? Hot diggity damn! Soon we'll all be performing calculations like there's no tomorrow! Why hasn't anyone ever thought of such a machine before? Some kind of a calcula...tion-tor?

In case you're wondering where Superman got that little tidbit about the price comparison with the good camera, perhaps he was reading the ads from earlier in the comic.Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't have the common courtesy to let Supeman explain BASIC programming to the kids before suffering a crisis of some sort, so Superman has to fly off while the kids rely on the user manuals. A tornado is tearing through downtown Metropolis, but its no match for a Superman.Crisis averted, Superman returns to the thilling setting of a classroom full of children inputing sample problems from their user's manuals.

I've never really liked the superintelligence power for Superman. I'm willing to accept that the yellow rays of the sun somehow make him stronger and able to fly and give his eyes the ability to melt steel while also being extra sensative to a wider spectrum of light, but saying his brain also developed to make him the smartest person on Earth was a little much for me. However, Superman's superbrain is a crucial part of this story, as it becomes the yardstick against which the TRS-80 is measured.I've already said I take umbrage with Superman being supersmart, but I have further issues with the idea that after you type in a four-line program you can think as fast as Superman. I bet that girl could tie the Flash in a mile sprint if he spotted her the first 5,279 feet too.

Seeing that a stupid girl can be as smart as Superman with a TRS-80, Alec figures a boy can be even smarter... if you "just give [him] a little while to enter the program!" Superman waits patiently, resisting the urge to use his heat vision to boil the little shit's brain inside his skull, but when it's time to hit the RUN button, Superman's brain goes caca, prompting Alec to become even less likeable.This is why I would make a lousy Superman. In this situation, I would politely inform the kid that while he may have successfully pressed a button faster than I could calculate a circle's circumference, I could fuck his mother at any time of day or night and even if his father knew when I was going to do it, there's nothing he, the police, or any force on Earth could do to stop me. I also would point out that if I spit gently in his direction, he would have a hold in his face the size of a saucepan.

Worse, I would then spit in his face and go fuck his mother.

Instead, Superman stands in shame and gets a dressing down by "Smart Alec." We learn, however, that the reason Superman's brain is on the fritz is a result of the tornado. Major Disaster explains that he seeded the tornado with microscopic Kryptonite crystals, which Supes inhaled when he took in the air for his superbreath. These crystals were specially synthesized "not to weaken his super-powers... No, that would be far to simple and obvious!"

Instead, they're fucking with the part of Superman's brain that does geometry.With Superman unable to fly or properly use his other superpowers, Major Disaster comes on TV and explains there will be three disasters, none of which Superman will be able to stop, thus ushering in the reign of Major Disaster.

Huh? The theory is if some kind of tragic disaster befalls Metropolis and Superman doesn't stop it, everyone will just blindly follow the leadership of the guy responsible for the disaster? No wonder we haven't found Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. He's been joint mayor of New York and Washington, DC for the last five years.

His superbrain unable to do the complex mathematics necessary to carry out his job, Superman concludes he could use a computer to help him, but Disaster also crippled every computer within a few hundred miles... except two. Unable to fly to the school, he has to resort to another means of conveyance.This is the second time Superman refers to the teacher by her first name--earlier he corrects himself--implying a more personal than professional relationship. At least that's what I thought until I realized her name is Margaret Wilson and the only way Superman could be interested would be if her name was Largaret Lilson.

After crashing through the floor, he explains he was "forced to take and underground route for safety's sake" because he "can't risk making too many flying entrances." What he doesn't explain though is why if he's afraid of the effects the inaccuracy of his superpowers could have while flying, he opted for the means of getting from here to there that would bring him in closest contact to gas lines, sewer mains, and power lines. I was thinking of walking, but to each his own, huh, Supes?

Superman explains the situation and tells the kids they'll have to man the computers and talk to him through radio headsets. He'll feed them information from the scenes of the disasters, they'll punch it into the computers, and the resulting calculations will tell Superman how to save the day.

Shall we run through a list of better plans?

A. Call Green Lantern
B. Call Captain Marvel
C. Call Martian Manhunter
D. Call Wonder Woman
E. Call Power Girl
F. Call Aquaman
G. Call Dr. Fate
H. Call Blue Beetle
I. Call Lex Luthor (Do you think Luthor's going to stand by and let Major Disaster be the one that finally takes down Superman?)
J. Call some actual professional computer programmers and have them run the computers instead of putting thousands of lives in the hands of the kids who 23 hours earlier thought having the computer tell them "I AM YOUR NEW TRS-80 MICROCOMPUTER" was "far out" and that pressing "RUN" made them smarter than Superman.

Flying in the face of common sense, the kids settle into their seats and Superman takes off for the first disaster, a plane that's been struck by lightning. It should be noted Superman has no trouble flying now, though he stops when he gets to the plane unsure of what to do.First off, how is it Superman's supervision and other superinformation-gathering senses are working just fine? If that's the case, what's stopping him from being able to save the plane? When someone throws you a baseball, your brain automatically calculates the parabolic curve of the ball and moves your hand to the space the ball will eventually occupy, allowing you to catch it. It's a mostly natural instinct and if it's beyond your ability, odds are measuring the ball's velocity, mass, exact angle of it descent, and the speed of any prevailing headwinds is probably likewise beyond your abilities.

Second, what are the kids going to do if their answers don't match? Press "RUN" again?

Third, if that plane has a forward velocity of 505 miles an hour at a 44 degree downward angle, it is heading for the ground at about 22,000 feet per second. Forget acceleration due to gravity and assume the plane is presently at an altitude of 35,000 feet (even though it was already plummetting toward Earth before Superman even left the school). This is how this scene should play out:

Superman: All right, team, here goes! According to my--(Transmission drowned out by sound of exploding fuel tanks, twisting metal, and screams of dying passengers.)

If the plane is merely falling from about 40,000 feet and that speed of 505 miles an hour is entirely parallel to the ground, the passengers have about 50 seconds before they crash. In which case it would play out more like:

Superman: All right, team, here goes! According to my super-vision...

10 REM SAVE PLANE FROM CRASHING
20 LET A=44
30 LET S=505
40 LET F=S*5280/3600
50 PRINT S; "MILES PER HOUR="F;"FEET PER SECOND"
60 LET H=63
(Transmission drowned out by sound of exploding fuel tanks, twisting metal, and screams of dying passengers.)

Not to mention that since Radio Shack probably didn't include a "How to calculate the proper intercept course for a crashing jetliner" program in the user's manual, those kids are going to be clueless what to do with all Superman's information.

The next disaster is a flood caused by a rupture in the Metropolis Resevoir.It seems to me the solution would just entail shooting heat vision at the water until it evaporates. Why does he need an exact time frame? If he left a few hundred gallons over the area of a few city blocks, is that going to affect anyone?

The final disaster is a leak at the nuclear power plant north of the city. The kids calculate a way for him to spiral around the radioactive gas and funnel it into space. I won the both the city and state science competitions when I was in seventh grade and I have no idea how I'd begin to calculate this now with Excel, much less when I was 10 and writing BASIC on an Apple II.

After venting the gases, Superman goes after Major Disaster and reveals the Krytonite crystals' effect has worn off. How convenient. I suspect the crystals affected Superman for all of about fifteen minutes, but he saw an opportunity to let the kids feel useful and rolled with it. I mean, this is the guy who's hung out with Jimmy Olsen for more than half a century so we know that's his M.O. "Uh-oh, I can't possibly save this plane without the help of my friends Shanna and Alec!" I bet he let them beat him at touch football too by falling down a lot and saying things like, "Whoa, what a great juke move! I totally thought you were going to your right!"

Marvel Solicits You're Likely To See

What happens when you combine Chris from 2 Guys Buying Comics ungodly amount of freetime at work with Jake's willingness to neglect his family for Photoshop? It's a glimpse of the road down which Marvel is heading whether they want to admit it or not.

Apologies in advance to the people mentioned below, some of whom put out work I genuinely enjoy. This is nothing but cheap shots. Oh, and be sure to click on the covers to see the bigger versions and get the full effect. Excelsior!


THE SENTRY: CAN WE TALK? #1 (of 24)
Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS
Pencils & Cover by OLIVIER COIPEL
When the Sentry realizes he needs professional help, he enlists Dr. Phil McGraw to help him sort out his true feelings! In a groundbreaking 24-issue trimonthly maxi-series set entirely in McGraw's office, you'll meet a Sentry no one --- including himself --- knew existed! But can Robert Reynolds get his insurance to cover the costs? Don't miss the start of the first 6-issue arc, "The Receptionist"!
32 PGS./Rated T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.99



AUNT MAY #1
Written by GARTH ENNIS
Pencils by GORAN PARLOV
Cover by TIM BRADSTREET
The newest addition to Marvel's MAX lineup shows one of comicdom's most beloved characters in a whole new light! Garth Ennis reveals the early days of May Parker, as the wet-behind-the-ears undercover OSS femme fatale ravishes her way across wartime Europe, dealing baccarat by day...and dealing death by night! Think you know Aunt May? As she might say, "Think again, bitchbag!"
32 PGS./Explicit Content ...$2.99


SUPERLATIVE X-MEN: PHYSICAL X-AMINATION #3 (of 5)
Written by CHUCK AUSTEN
Pencils & Cover by SALVADOR LARROCA
The trials of the Superlative X-Men continue, as the Presidential Fitness Test keeps making life hard for everybody! Fresh off a disappointing body fat measurement, Longshot enlists the aid of Stacy X in hopes of learning the finer points of doing sit-ups! But will a surprise visit from that one dude who was in a couple of background panels a while back derail the mutants' chances of passing with flying colors? Guest-starring Mojo!
32 PGS./Rated T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.99



WOLVERINE/SPIDER-MAN: OVEREXPOSURE #5 (of 8)
Written by PAUL JENKINS
Pencils & Cover by JIM LEE
James Howlett has been many things --- samurai, secret agent, X-Man, software reseller, administrative assistant, driving instructor, plot device. But his job as a one-hour-photo developer proves to be his most challenging yet, when Daily Bugle shutterbug Peter Parker "swings" by for help with a tricky roll of film! Petey's no slouch with a negative, but Logan's the Best At What He Does --- something's gotta give! The most overprinted miniseries of the year
rolls along!
32 PGS./Rated T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.99


IRON MAN #6
Written by WARREN ELLIS
Art & Cover by ADI GRANOV
This item will be resolicited at the next solar eclipse.









MAKE MARVEL MINE: FANTASTIC FOUR VOL. 1
Written by ?
Cover by JACK KIRBY
This fantastic first volume collects random panels from the FF's 40 year history! And thanks to our newest line, MAKE MARVEL MINE, YOU control what happens! We're leaving the dialogue and thought balloons empty, so you can fill in whatever YOU want to happen! Ben Grimm making romantic overtures to Mole Man? Go for it! Alicia Masters cussing like a sailor to Reed Richards? You can make it happen! Let the Johnny Storm "flame" jokes commence!
320 PGS./Rated T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$29.99
ISBN: 0-7851-1733-4
Trim size: Oversize

Al-Qaeda Taking Tips from Liefeld and McFarlane?

How the hell did I miss this? Sure, it was an entirely forgetable story arc. No doubt it was a lame crossover, but how was it I--and, according to a Google search, the entire blogosphere--overlooked that terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden was getting his ideas from Rob Liefeld and Todd McFarlane?

The crossover of X-Forces #3-4 and Spider-Man #16 is probably best remembered for featuring issues drawn landscape-style instead of portrait-style (in other words, you had to turn the comic 90 degrees from normal to read it). Instead, perhaps it's more notable that it features a story of Black Tom and Juggernaut exploding a bomb in...and ultimately knocking down...wait for it...THE WORLD TRADE CENTER
These issues were published in 1991, two years before a truck filled with explosives was detonated in the underground garage of the North Tower and ten years before planes were flown into the Towers, causing their collapse. At the time, the idea that someone would actually blow up the World Trade Center was fit only for publication in comic books.

I understand this is kind of like diminishing Thomas Jefferson's contributions to American history because he owned slaves and regularly sexed them up. McFarlane and Liefeld obviously had no reason to suspect that a decade later someone would actually pull off what was at the time something that was a stretch of believability even for supervillains, so I don't want it to seem like I'm criticizing them (I mean, except for their poor writing and substandard art) or that I'm honestly suggesting this lame duck effort (this was McFarlane's last Marvel work before going off to form Image; if it wasn't Liefeld's last issue, it was close) led to the tragedy of September 11th.

Though I might jokingly suggest it...Unfortunately, the most jarring part of this story is the lack of casualties. The hostages Black Tom takes aren't hurt. When Juggernaut runs into the Tower and knocks it down, X-Force and Spidey emerge from the rubble ready for round two (or three or four, I lost track). After watching the clouds of dust that swept across Manhattan on 9-11 and knowing of the ensuing effort just to remove the rubble, it's hard to really get pumped up for Spidey posing and asking, "Is that the best you can do?"

Sorry for the lack of the funny. I'll get back to form tomorrow.

Bloodlines Quiz

I'll have a big post or two in the days to come, but I'm kind of limited in my blogging by a writing project with a rapidly approaching deadline, a computer that very nearly died yesterday, and a desperate search for a job (if you guys know anyone looking to hire a recent MBA-Marketing grad with a journalism background to be their media relations director or marketing coordinator... or a janitor... or... anything really...), so you'll have to settle for a few shorter posts in the week or so to come.

Of note, however, Robert booked our flights to San Diego for July and I'm pretty sure Mark can nail down some Exhibitor badges. Also--on a non-comic book note--Kirby Puckett apparently just died across the street from my house.

In the meantime, here is a quiz about Rob Liefeld and Youngblood:
Which of the following statements is not quoted from the Bloodlines letter page of Youngblood #3?
A) [Rob Liefeld's] precise detail is a lot like Jack Kirby's early work.

B) [The characters in Youngblood] are not simply retreads of your characters from Marvel. They all have their own unique personalities.

C) Youngblood is one of the best creations I've ever seen! You've definitely got the Spider-Mans and Batmans of the future in Youngblood

D) I honestly believe [Rob Liefeld is] this generation's Jack Kirby...

E) How about a Diehard and Shadowhawk team-up?

F) I am confident that all of the Youngblood characters will be given sufficient depth in upcoming issues...

G) Marvel has held a cloud over the comics industry for years and Image has brought sunshine back to collecting. I'm glad to see the smiles wiped off their generic characters' faces!

H) In Youngblood #2, I missed Diehard. Will he be back? I hope so, because he's my favorite character. (Note: Yes, Diehard appeared in a half-issue-long story in #1, was absent from #2, and is Mike Hanyok's favorite character.)

I) My favorite characters so far are: Combat, Riptide, Diehard, and Bedrock (cool names!). Overall, [issue #2] was a nine on a ten point scale.

J) I think this is the best [artwork] I've ever seen!

K) Your scripting in Youngblood #2 is ten times better than your buddy Hank Kanalz! (Note: Talk about damning with faint praise... Kanalz had written Siren and The Flash at the point this was published. He added Ultraforce to his resume a year later.)

L) First you thought of two Youngblood teams. Then, here come the Berzerkers and Prophet! You're too much, Rob! Only the second issue and already three seperate teams have appeared.(Note: How prophetic... now if only he'd stop creating and debuting new teams and characters and do something with the ones he already has.)

M) Visually, this is by far your best work. My only complaint is I think everything seems to be crammed or rushed. (Note: How prophetic... again.)

N) You don't draw pupils.

I'll put the answer in the comments.

Why We're Different: A Civil War Reaction

I haven't been on in a while because, quite frankly, I'm just not that interested. This posting on the internet isn't really my thing. Not saying I have more important things to do, just that I prefer wasting my time in other ways. Besides, Jake tells me verbatim what he's writing, so I don't really have to read the actual post. But this morning I decided to take a look and felt compelled to voice a different side to Jake's What's so Civil about War? post.

Where the roots of that post truly began was with Jake asking me to tell everyone at Greg's Comics to read his blog because he was doing some really funny stuff. Now, the universal reply wasn't "So... are you talking about anything current in comics?", but instead was "I haven't looked at his blog yet, what's he writing about?". I then explained to them Jake's process of coming in and looking through the FIFTY-CENT BOXES for material to make fun of and then doing so on the blog. "You're just making fun of 35 year old Jimmy Olsen comics?" is an apt description of the follow-up. No one said "What the hell was that ninja bullshit?" because no one had read it. To this day I think only one person in our inner-circle of about a dozen geeks has even looked at this blog, and his response was a wish that Jake could somehow harness this power he has for good. Take that for what you will.

Also, don't think ill of Jake for claiming he steals from us. He doesn't, I take it off my credit.

So why don't the people at the store want to revel in Jake's sarcastic wit? It's just not their thing. Everything Jake highlights as things he doesn't do because other sites are doing it better and earlier is the exact thing we enjoy talking about every week. Wednesday is an exchange of information amongst this group, talking about the previous weeks books and getting excited about what came out that day. We deride and applaud decisions announced during the week such as new creative teams, late books, and price increases. Some guys hangout for hours while others can only stay for portions of an hour, but everyone gets in their two-cents and asks for opinions in return. For good or bad, we enjoy talking about news and rumors because we all read a hell of a lot more than Jake, and we enjoy talking about every facet of this wonderfully frustrating industry.

As for the content Jake chooses to put on this site, it fits completely with his personality, agreed. But his personality doesn't agree with everyone, so obviously what he finds amusing isn't going to be what everyone else wants to spend their time on. It is some incredibly funny stuff, but not everybody's going to think so. It's what makes America great!

So Jake, continue on with what makes you happy. Your mockery is what makes you you. After all, it's just a way to pass the time, right? And different people find different ways to do that.

Oh, and as for Greg Rucka, yeah he's standoffish, but he writes some incredible comics and he will talk with you at cons and he'll even do a sketch of himself. I've seen him do what Jake's talking about, but that's his personality. He's gruff. He wants to make sure you're not just looking for a free hand-out, and if you persevere he's quite nice in his way. Like Arthur Adams and his gruff facade, beneath is a incredibly nice guy. Not like Jeff Loeb. He's the worst.

And while I'm ranting, the price increase by both companies has me staggered. I want to rage back that it's just not worth it and cut back to the half-dozen books I really enjoy, but I like keeping abreast of everything going on in comics. I have some difficult decisions to make this coming month. In two weeks we'll be back from going to Wizard World LA so I'll have some stuff to talk about. Until then, take care and enjoy your funny books!

Geek Moment

You'll have to bear with me as I delve into Comic Book Guy territory, but something's been bugging me lately.

Take this gorgeous for Batman #653 by Simone Bianchi.Or this Two-Face Heroclix figure.And the DC Direct Long Halloween Two-Face figure.Personally, I've always been a proponent of Two-Face being ambidextrous or firing the gun with left hand. It makes sense. The unscarred right side would flip the coin (since Harvey Dent would see that as some sort of judgment and "fair play") while the scarred left side would be the trigger man.

However, in a re-reading of Detective Comics #580, the turning point of the mystery and, thus, a huge plot point is that Harvey Dent was right handed.In case you're wondering--and even if you aren't--Batman and Robin were fighting Paul Sloane, an actor who looked like Harvey Dent and was cast in a movie about Two-Face. In this story, Two-Face kidnapped him and scarred up his face out of jealousy.

Now that I got that out of my system, I now return you to more Photoshops and mockery of stupid comics.

Hostess Fruit Pies 2006

If there is one thing I miss most about comics from the "good old days" it isn't the sense of wonderment or the outlandishly creative stories that never got bogged down in continuity. No, it's the Hostess ads. If there's one change I'd like to see Dan Didio and Joe Quesada implement at DC and Marvel, it would be rekindling the relationship with Hostess.

Just imagine the possibilities!(Click for larger image and accept my apologies to Steve Dillon.)

What's so Civil about War?

From what I can tell, Civil War is going to pit Cap and Iron Man against one another. Boys, can't you look past your little differences and remember the good times?Actually, I know next to nothing about Civil War. The same goes for Infinite Crisis. If it weren't for the comic blogs in the column to the left, I would know even less than I do. I'm getting Aquaman (and am considering Detective Comics as well) this week and realized it's the first DC mainstream hero book I've picked up since Mike McKone left Teen Titans. The Marvel books I read tend to be ones that work outside the Bendis-centric universe (X-Factor, Punisher, Ultimates) mostly because I don't like having to read ten different titles a month to get all the parts of a story, especially one I don't care about.

This post finds its roots in the questions of fellow customers at Greg's Comics in Mesa, Arizona (there, that plug should be enough to continue allowing me to steal books from the quarterbox for free), who wanted to know, "So... are you talking about anything current in comics?", "You're just making fun of 35 year old Jimmy Olsen comics?", and "What the hell was that ninja bullshit?" As I tried to answer the question of why I have little-to-no recent content on Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge, one thought led to another and I had ideas for about five half-thought out separate posts which I will now try to shoehorn into one I'm-hoping-coherent post.

For starters, I tend not to do reviews for a few reasons. First, I don't usually get my new comics until the weekends at the earliest. Already, I could link you to several reviews of X-Factor and the other books I'll be reading Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Sometimes, I may not get my books for a week or two, so posting a review of Punisher vs. Bullseye three weeks after it came out is unlikely to be of interest to anyone. Those who care about Punisher vs. Bullseye have read it long before they see my review and those who don't aren't going to care about it in the first place.

Further, monthly reviews of the same titles get repetitive. As much as I enjoy Walking Dead, I can't come up with much more to say about the last issue than I already said about the previous issue or the issue before that. "They're still in the prison... they're still talking about their new society and its rules... someone was bitten/threatened/frightened by a zombie... something shocking happened on the last page and I can't wait to see what happens next issue!" I've considered reviewing story arcs, such as the Punisher: The Slavers arc that just finished or the Supreme Power: Nighthawk miniseries. To me, reviewing individual issues feels like writing a movie review as you watch twenty minutes at a time.

I don't talk a lot about news and rumors either. Again, there are other blogs that do this much better than I do, and, frankly, most of my reporting would be a rehash of what they've already stated. As for opinions about most of the rumors, I don't have many because they tend to be about books I don't read and have no intention of reading. For example, some people are upset that Greg Rucka is off Wonder Woman. I've never read Wonder Woman and Greg Rucka has always come off as a cock who thinks he's too good write comics or mingle with comic fans every time I've met him so I tend not to spend any of my money supporting his work.

Side note: Greg Rucka reminds me of Dennis Miller's description of Donnie from New Kids on the Block: the brooding New Kid with the scruffy goatee and the scowl who sings "Ooh, oh, oh-oh-oh! The Right Stuff!" but he doesn't mean it! Greg Rucka sits at Con tables with his arms crossed and this condecending snear and talks shit about people who don't read his novels or can't recite his entire body of work off the top of their heads or enjoy Wonder Woman but don't read his other stuff. Sure, he writes comic books, but he doesn't mean it!

Finally, and this is just a reflection of my personality, it's much easier and more enjoyable for me to mock things that are bad than to praise things that are good. If you're not reading Invincible or Y the Last Man or Fables, you really should be. I don't know what else to add to that. However, you shouldn't read World's Finest Comics #150 and I can give you two long posts explaining why not.

That said, there is plenty of garbage being produced today, but since I don't waste my money on it, it's hard for me to comment. The recent rash of posts from people saying the most recent issue of New Avengers was the last straw and they were dropping the title took me by surprise since I pulled the plug around issue five or six.

So, upon further reflection, there are ideas I have for some current things, including something I might turn into an ongoing theme (or what we in television journalism call "a franchise piece"), and some ideas that might generate discussion, allowing you to participate instead of just making you laugh and leaving the only comment to be "funny stuff" or "good work."

However, I got the inspiration for a good post about the old Hostess ads... but first I need to do some research.(In all seriousness, if I could only own one piece of original art for the rest of my life, I would want it to be a Hostess ad. I saw what I thought was one on eBay a few years ago, but it was a parody from Cracked Magazine. I'm thinking of having a commission or two done in San Diego this year of Hostess scenes.)

Jim Lee's "Super-Gamble with Doom!"

Not as elaborate as last week... not as funny either. I think I learned it's funnier to put old style characters in modern style settings than vice versa.

(Click for the larger immage)By the way, did anyone else notice every sentence on that page ends in an exclamation point? What the hell?!? Everyone is screaming everything they say! That's bizarre!

Superman vs. the NRA

What do Superman and Rosie O'Donnell have in common?

Other than their haircuts back in the mid-90's?I know Bowling for Columbine was a moving film, Clark, but be reasonable!

For comparison's sake, here is a shot of Rosie from her famous Tom Selleck interview.